Productivity Killers: Narcissistic Negotiation
by Fred Kofman
Whether or not you have kids, this conversation will probably sound familiar: “The cookie is mine.” “No, it’s mine.” “I saw it first.” “I claimed it first.” … and so on.
As basic as it may sound, I believe it’s worth giving this childish conflict deeper thought. What’s happening beneath the surface here points to widely unacknowledged challenges lurking in our own, adult conversations, from everday communication to high-stakes negotiations.
The children’s argument (and any other) can be explained in two ways, maintaining one key principle of negotiation theory: conflict is always born from scarcity. (In other words, when there is “enough” for everybody, there is no conflict.) The kids could be having a straightforward conflict over material scarcity, or the single cookie that they both want to eat. If enough cookies for both were provided, the conflict would only continue due to a deeper source – emotional scarcity. In this case, the children would engage in competition staged around the cookie(s), with the scarce resource simply being the act of winning (and by doing so, proving one’s worth).
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